How to Respond to Night Wakings Without Losing Your Mind

I can still remember that bone-deep, full-body and blurry brain tiredness of being woken up several times at night with a crying newborn. Just when I was finally sweetly drifting into sleep, I would hear my baby start to stir, and it took everything I had in me to respond mindfully and lovingly to him. I was still learning the subtlety of his cries. I was still aching in my chest from the milk coming in and difficulty breastfeeding. I was still recovering from birth. I was so incredibly exhausted in a way I can’t even describe (but I know you know!). I will never forget this feeling. 

We now know from countless years of research that responding to our babies day and night is critical for their emotional well-being and their lifelong mental health. Every time you respond to your infant with love, you are providing your baby’s brain with a bath of oxytocin that will buffer their nervous system from developing high stress reactivity and mental health struggles such as anxiety, depression and even eating disorders. Not to say they won’t have those struggles in life, but the quality of your nurture will impact how those tendencies develop. 

Sheesh, no pressure, right?!   

Infants, from day one, through toddlerhood and even children into school-age, need to know that their cries matter, that their beloved caregivers will help soothe them, and that they are safe and secure in their ever-changing world. You as their caregiver are the one constant in the world that they can rely on when they need comfort, and of course, this essential need doesn’t disappear during night time hours.  

Knowing this is one thing, but being able to respond in a regulated, calm way is quite another, especially when you are depleted from night after night of waking up and all the other intricacies of navigating postpartum and becoming a parent. 

So here I’ll share some ideas for how to respond to night wakings without losing your mind! Because let’s be real, we all lose our mind sometimes. 

But first, let’s talk about the science. 

Of course, we want to understand what normal infant sleep ACTUALLY looks like- this is very helpful so we can be sure to have realistic expectations. The truth is that babies wake up A LOT, especially in the first year, but even beyond for some babies, depending on their temperament and their specific sleep needs. They may have a more sensitive temperament and need more regulation from you. 

Babies need to eat frequently. They have very small stomach, and we are a carrying species, which means our milk is higher in sugar than in fat, giving quick energy that our babies need frequently. Our babies are meant to be close to us for this reason. Often they will need to eat every 2-3 hours, and naturally, they will also need to wake every 2-3 hours in order to eat! So, waking every 2-3 hours is considered normal infant sleep for the first year, and then gradually those sleeping hours will lengthen as sleep consolidates and your baby’s brain is ready, but not overnight! Sleep consolidation takes time that is unique to your child. 

If your baby is waking much more frequently for weeks at a time, it may be time to reach out for support to rule out any underlying issues. But expect teething, illness, any big changes such as starting daycare or a caregiver returning to work and developmental leaps to interrupt sleep.

What the science is showing is that baby sleep is not linear and sleep variability between babies is very high. It changes from day to day and month to month, so the most reliable indicator of when your baby needs to sleep is your baby :) Your job is to basically learn your beautiful baby and learn their unique cues. When they seem tired, offer them a chance to settle their nervous system and see if they rest into sleep. If they need more time, take a break from “trying” and play for a bit.    

Babies also need your loving presence and comfort during night wakings. The only way for a baby to attach to you is through their senses, so they need to be able to hear, touch, smell, feel or taste you if breastfeeding. They have no other way to seek proximity to you because they don’t have language or the motor skills yet. But they do have their cry.  

Babies need to suck to activate their parasympathetic nervous system so they can come to calm. So even the comfort sucking that is not necessarily feeding, is still highly beneficial to their nervous system. 

Babies are born with only 25% of the brain volume of an adult, meaning their brain structures that support regulation and thinking are not yet developed. Babies literally don’t have the brain structures- the hippocampus, the prefrontal cortex- to “manipulate” you or to self-regulate, also known as “self-soothing” in the baby world. This skill actually doesn’t fully develop until the age of 25, or even older for some! So, we absolutely cannot expect a baby to self-regulate when they are feeling stress and trying to communicate it by crying.    

Now that we have a little background about the why of infant waking, here’s where I would start if you’re really struggling to manage at night. It might be exhaustion. It might be exhaustion mixed with other factors. 

Can you get curious about the root of your agitation? 

Do you need to have some blood work done to make sure everything is okay there? 

Is your friend or cousin or some person’s baby on Instagram sleeping through the night already and you think your baby should too? 

Do you feel unsupported and lonely in showing up for your baby night after night? 

Is the sensory input of your baby crying overwhelming to you? 

And a deeper question to ponder is, how were YOU supported as a baby when you cried?

These questions can bring up a lot, but they can help you gain clarity about your needs.   

Talk to your partner or a trusted support person about how you’re feeling. These intense feelings are absolutely normal to have, even though they are very uncomfortable, and you may find that a listening ear in itself can give you the boost you need to carry on. Being seen in your struggle without someone telling you what to do can be massively healing.   

Forget the advice to not create “bad habits” and tune into your unique baby. Trust that you can figure your baby out with time and patience and attunement. You are the absolute expert on your baby. Observe what it is your baby finds soothing and do what works best and easiest for your family. If your baby loves to nurse to sleep and it’s the quickest way for everyone to get back to sleep, nurse your baby. It is NEVER wrong to nurse your baby to sleep. Your milk has melatonin and prolactin (the milk-making hormone) in it, both higher at night to help your baby back to sleep. And when you nurse, you also receive sleepy hormones to help you drift back sweetly as well. It’s a beautiful design of nature.    

See if you need to make any shifts with your sleep routines. I suggest going to sleep with your baby when you are really struggling with sleep deprivation. It’s amazing what an extra hour or two of sleep in the first part of the night can do for your health. Remember, this is temporary. Things will get easier and you may get that time at night again for yourself or with your partner. For now, your sleep needs to be a sought-after priority.

Can you have designated days to sleep in? Can your partner be in charge of the baby in the mornings, for example, if you have an early riser, so you can sleep for an extra hour or two before the day of nurturing ahead?

If your partner likes to stay up late, maybe he/she can be with the baby while you get an hour or two of sleep and then bring your baby to you when they’re ready for feeding or sleeping.

Can you make it a priority to REST when the baby naps? Make naps your time to do something restful and save the chores for later.   

Oh! Did I even mention bedsharing?! It CAN be safe, and it can work beautifully for some families in getting more sleep. In fact, research shows that bedsharing families get more sleep than families with solitary sleeping infants. There’s so much less getting up and down and trying into and out of the bassinet or crib. Bedsharing in itself can feel a lot more restful. 

You can access my safe bedsharing checklist for free here if you’d like to learn more about how to do it safely. 

Know when to tap out. If you are feeling dysregulated, angry, frustrated with your baby- first, give yourself grace. We all feel this way at times. This is part of being in relationship. Just because you are a mom doesn’t mean you won’t have a vast range of emotions toward your child. These are times we need to call in support. Your baby is borrowing your nervous system for regulation, so if you are not regulated, baby is feeling that, and so it’s absolutely okay to tap out and take a break. Even if baby is crying for you, your calm partner can support your baby lovingly if you need some time to cool down. 

Please, if you ever feel like hurting your baby or your baby is impacting how you feel, put your baby down in a safe place and walk away. It is okay for your baby to cry if you are not okay. Reach out to Postpartum Support International for their GET HELP hotline if you need mental health support.  

And in case you are by chance a mantra mama- here are some ideas: 

I’m not sleeping right now, but I AM resting with my baby.

This is special time for me and my baby to be in the quiet night together. 

A bad night of sleep doesn’t necessarily mean a bad day following. 

My body will tell me tomorrow if I’m tired and need to rest.

My baby won’t always need me like this.

Even though it’s really hard, it’s important work to be my baby’s safe space.

I know there are many mothers all over the world supporting their babies right now too.

I can always ask for help when I need it. 

The bottom line is, raising an infant is an equally challenging and heart-gushing experience. This time in life is meant to be slower than our fast-paced lives these days. Maybe if we didn’t have to do so much during the day, we could appreciate this magical opportunity we have at night to love on our babies. We weren’t meant to do this alone. We were meant to have more support at night with alloparents- grannies and aunties and uncles- taking turns holding and singing lullabies to our babies. 

The pace of infancy and their development is fleeting, and from what I hear, the time that elderly people in later life long for the most. I don’t believe it’s because of how hard it is, I believe it’s because of the deep connection we feel when we are nurturing an infant so completely. This time, these sometimes lonely, sometimes lovely dark nights, they matter, and you are doing a beautiful job showing up for your baby in a way that is imprinting on their heart forever. 

Written by,

Ali Geyer, MOT, OTR/L

Certified Sleep Specialist & trained Nurture Neuroscience Practitioner 

Nurturing The Dyad

nurturingthedyad.com

@nurturingthedyad on Instagram

*If you need support ruling out underlying red flags that may be interrupting your baby’s sleep, figuring out your child’s unique sleep and/or sensory needs, or would like a nurtured sleep approach to help you through this time of life, I would be more than happy to work with you and your family. Check out my services here.